Third episode of the upcoming webseries D6, written in collaboration with professional cosplayer Ginny Di and author Josh Randall. D6 is a character-based comedy centering around Disney characters playing Dungeons & Dragons (similar to Critical Role) with Mickey Mouse as the dungeon master.

INT. MICKEY’S HOUSE

Pan over the game room, from SNOW and MULAN getting drinks in the corner to BELLE, shuffling her character sheets and talking to ARIEL.

BELLE

… I don’t know how he stays in business! The man hasn’t gotten a single bestseller in stock for a decade, but I’M the crazy one for reading Dune six times?

ARIEL

(Not grasping the gravity)

That’s… yeah. So rude.

GASTON enters

GASTON

Okay, girls! Quit your hen-pecking and cat… throwing and listen up! I know we all had a good laugh about my rolling last week, but that ends NOW.

Gaston slams a handful of colorful dice down onto the table.

SNOW

(taking her seat)

New dice won’t solve your problems

(sweetly, to Mulan)

They never do.

GASTON

These aren’t just any new dice! I ordered them from a place called Aggerr- uh. Albagrah. Algebra. You’ve probably never heard of it.

BELLE

New dice from Algebra, huh? What was their value?

GASTON

Ex. Pen. Sive. The guy I bought them from said they were blessed by a wish-granting Genie. Natty 20’s, here I come!

He rolls. It’s a 3.

GASTON

That was a fluke.

CUT TO: D6 Intro Sequence

MICKEY

Hiya, gang! Let’s get started! You’ve arrived in the sleepy mushroom village, deep within the Red Queen’s forest. A few homes and businesses, all built from giant toadstools.

GASTON

FINALLY, civilization! Time to spend all this LOOT. What’s my share?

SNOW

To keep it fair, some groups choose a treasurer to manage everyone’s funds.

ARIEL

Me me me! Give me the treasure. I have treasure experience. I have a grotto, it’s very well-organized.

MICKEY

Anyone opposed? Besides Gaston? Okey dokey, Missy has the treasure! What would you like to buy?

SNOW

I could certainly use new weapons, after shattering my axe in that guardsman’s skull.

BELLE

And we should buy some potions, in case we see the Wizard again.

MICKEY

This village has a butcher, a baker, and a candlestick-maker. Huh HA!

BELLE

… Okay, let’s try the Baker.

Quick shopping montage, players responding to DM and altering their character sheets. Then:

MICKEY

… Your shopping complete, you stop at the Candlestick-Maker’s, where it seems the village gathers to drink.

MULAN

They drink at the Candlestick Maker’s?

MICKEY

Better than the Baker’s. Huh HA!

BELLE

So, how much of the treasure did we spend?

ARIEL

I don’t remember. But we got some pretty good deals!

GASTON

Except for that time when you haggled up.

MULAN

And when you bought those masterwork shoelaces.

ARIEL

Best 14 gold I ever spent. I regret nothing.

BELLE

(looking at a rulebook)

… It says here that two gold is equivalent to a full month’s rent.

MICKEY

An old caterpillar sidles up to the barstool beside you. It begins smoking a hookah.

BELLE

Oh! I got this!

(clears throat. As Shayra)

“Good morrow to you, Sir. We are but a band of simple travelers, seeking-”

MICKEY

The Caterpillar blows a stream of smoke into your face. “TRAVELLERS? Your type has quite the reputation here. I would kindly ask you to leave before you cause any more… unpleasantness.”

BELLE

What do you mean “Unpleasantness?”

MICKEY

“Just a few days ago, I was interrupted in my nightly smoke by a traveller, much like yourself. A grinning cat. Except, he was not grinning- he was sweating and looking over his shoulder as if he were being chased. I asked him what was wrong, and he told me he had in his possession a key to a door, beyond which lay a treasure full of magic and wonder.”

MULAN

The Enchanter’s treasure! It must be!

GASTON

What happened to the key?

MICKEY

“It seems that a great evil was pursuing him, so he’d hidden it. He claimed he would return when the danger had passed. When I asked him where he’d placed it, all he would say was ‘It is somewhere dark and cool, surrounded by death.’”

SNOW

Did you try to find it?

MICKEY

“Goodness, no! Surrounded by death, he said! I am a simple caterpillar, I have no need of treasures, riddles, and death.”

GASTON

Surrounded by death! He totally meant the graveyard.

SNOW

Ooh, yes! I love a good graveyard.

BELLE

(perturbed by Gaston’s good guess)

Oh- oh, come on. Like the cat would hide the key in a graveyard and then give some rando the most obvious clue in the world to find it.

GASTON

It’s agreed, then! To the graveyard!

BELLE

It’s not in the graveyard! That’s too obvious. We’d be wasting our time.

GASTON

WELL then, little miss Smarter-Than-Notsag-The-Wise. Do you have a better suggestion?

BELLE

Of course I do! Anything is better than the graveyard. Like… uh, like…

SNOW

Like the Butcher?

BELLE

Like the Butcher! Surrounded by death, he said! There’s death at a butcher!

MULAN

Technically, the animals are already dead before-

GASTON

Ha! Typical women. Always thinking about the poor widdle nanimals.

ARIEL

UGH. Come on, guys! Do you want to find the treasure or not?

(to Mickey)

I flip a coin. Heads, butcher, tails, graveyard.

MICKEY

Make a dexterity check.

ARIEL

Uh. Two.

MICKEY

You drop the coin. Mark off one gold piece. Huh HA!

BELLE

You know what? Fine! Let’s go to the graveyard. Let’s waste our time on the most obvious clue in the world. And when you’re wrong-and you’re totally going to be wrong-you can apologize to all of us, Notsag the… the Dumb… Dumb-o.

ARIEL

Nice.

MICKEY

You reach the graveyard just as the sun sinks beneath the horizon. A heavy mist settles around the tombstones. You can just make out the writing on the stones in the last light of the fading day.

GASTON

Hmm. Where would a cat bury a key? I look for where a cat would bury a key. But, like, a smart cat who can talk.

MICKEY

Roll investigation.

GASTON

Hoo! Seventeen! Thank you Algebra!

SNOW

I look, too. (rolls) Thirteen.

MICKEY

Notsag and Brish examine the stones. Some are newer, some are too old to read. Finally, at a freshly-dug grave, Notsag reads “Anthony Obvious Quay.”

BELLE

Oh, come on!

GASTON

Ha HA! In your face! I think! What?

ARIEL

An… Obvious… Key! It’s here!

SNOW

Excellent work, Notsag! Does anyone have a shovel?

GASTON

I use my broadsword!

(Turns to Belle, winks)

My LONG broadsword.

Belle rolls her eyes, Mulan looks concerned.

MULAN

Wait, you’re going to dig up a grave? No! No way. I won’t stand by while you desecrate some innocent man’s final resting place. In the name of Pelor-

GASTON

I start digging.

MULAN

I… I stop him. Can I stop him?

(looks nervously at Mickey)

I take his sword.

Gaston gasps and holds his character sheet protectively to his chest.

MICKEY

Oh boy, a strength contest! Both of you roll.

MULAN

Eighteen!

GASTON

… Four. Curse you, Algebra!

MICKEY

Shen takes Notsag’s sword.

GASTON

No! Li’l Notsag! I kill Shen with my bare hands!

SNOW

OOOh-kay. There will be no killing other party members. I don’t do PVP with amateurs. I think it’s time to go to the Butcher’s.

BELLE

Yes! Finally! Watch and learn, Notsag the Suddenly Swordless!

Gaston huffs and crosses his arms, pretending to be unconcerned. Belle leans forward, ready for action.

MICKEY

You travel across the village to the butcher’s shop. It’s closed, but you can see through the window that the butcher is inside, cleaning up after the day’s work.

BELLE

Okay. It doesn’t seem likely that the cat would have hidden the key out in the open. My guess is that it’s in the back room. Storage.

SNOW

We should take him by surprise. Does anyone have a spell that can knock him unconscious? Poison darts, maybe?

MULAN

What? Why? He hasn’t done anything wrong! Let’s just talk to him. I knock on the door.

MICKEY

A middle-aged man, stocky, with a neatly-trimmed red beard, opens the door just a crack. “What do you want?”

GASTON

(looking at Belle, snottily)

Let us in, Butcher, so we can get the key that you TOTALLY have.

MICKEY

Roll an intimidation check.

GASTON

What? That’s not… UGH, fine. I’ll roll a… two?! (He pounds the table.) ALGEBRA!

MICKEY

He spits on you.

GASTON

WHAT! Filthy peasant! I pull out my sword, and-

MICKEY

You don’t have a sword.

BELLE

Stop! Come on, guys. I’m sure he can be reasonable. I step forward. “Good sir, we’re looking for something we believe may be hidden in your store. May we search for it? We promise to leave you in peace after we’re done.”

MICKEY

Roll a persuasion check.

BELLE

Drat. Five.

MICKEY

He starts to close the door.

ARIEL

Wait! I’ve got it. “Hey mister butcher! Can we come in NOW?” I hold out ten gold pieces.

BELLE

(incredulous)

TEN GOL-

MICKEY

You have seven gold left.

ARIEL

I hold out seven gold pieces.

MICKEY

Huh HA, wow! He takes it and lets you in!

SNOW

We go into the back storage room.

MICKEY

(as Butcher)

“Sorry for being so cautious. I was worried you were trying to break in, like that Wizard did earlier.”

BELLE & GASTON

(both shoot up straight)

WHAT?/WHAT.

MICKEY

As you enter the storage room, you notice that the floorboards have been pried up in one corner.

The group lets out various sounds of disbelief and disappointment. Snow puts her head in her hands.

MICKEY

(as Butcher)

“A-yup, he made off with some kind of key! Funny, he came in just before you did. Shame you weren’t here earlier. Musta’ been important business, though, from the look of you.”

There is an uncomfortable silence. Belle and Gaston glare at each other.

GASTON

… I punch Shen and take back my sword.

CUT TO:

CREDITS ROLL